Understanding Vulnerability: From Childhood Trauma to Authentic Connections
What if the key to feeling connected lay in understanding your deepest vulnerabilities? This is the core theme explored in our latest podcast episode. We delve into the intricate relationship between childhood trauma and the lingering sense of isolation that often shadows our adult lives. Through examining how our self-worth becomes entwined with external roles and relationships, we emphasize the importance of embracing our intrinsic qualities and interests. This crucial shift can pave the way for deeper connections with ourselves and those around us.
The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Adult Isolation
One of the primary topics we explore is how childhood experiences, particularly trauma, can contribute to a pervasive sense of isolation in adulthood. Many people feel disconnected even when surrounded by others, often stemming from not being allowed to express emotions during their formative years. Our self-worth becomes closely tied to our roles and relationships rather than our intrinsic qualities and interests. Recognizing and valuing our unique traits can significantly impact how connected and valued we feel in our interactions with others.
Social Media and Its Effect on Genuine Connections
The episode also takes a bold stance on the impact of social media, especially on young girls. Social media platforms foster a cycle of comparison and superficial interactions that can erode self-esteem and exacerbate feelings of loneliness. Studies show a widespread desire among young people for more authentic, in-person interactions. This suggests a need to rethink phone use in schools to promote low-stakes, face-to-face interactions. These real-life experiences are crucial for personal development, teaching us to set and respect boundaries while building stronger, more resilient relationships.
From Isolation to Intimacy: Embracing Vulnerability
Vulnerability is a recurring theme throughout the episode. We discuss how experiencing hurt does not necessarily signify the end of relationships; instead, it can be an opportunity for growth and understanding. Treating ourselves with dignity and compassion is vital to mitigate the fear of rejection. By addressing past traumas and using techniques like EMDR therapy, we can dismantle old triggers and embrace more authentic connections.
Building Resilient Relationships Through Self-Acceptance
Another significant point discussed is the role of self-acceptance in building resilient relationships. Feeling pain from past traumas or current interactions does not make us or the other person involved inherently bad. Instead, these experiences offer a chance to treat ourselves with dignity and compassion. By understanding and addressing our past traumas, we can better navigate present relationships. Techniques like EMDR therapy help recognize and overcome old triggers, allowing us to be more present and foster genuine connections.
Healing Old Wounds to Foster New Bonds
Healing from past traumas is essential for forming new, meaningful bonds. The episode highlights that pain is a part of life, and experiencing it doesn’t have to end relationships. Instead, it offers an opportunity for growth and understanding. Self-connection and self-worth are crucial in building and maintaining healthy relationships. Addressing past traumas, even minor ones, can help navigate present relationships more effectively.
Redefining Self-Worth Beyond Social Roles
The episode also emphasizes the importance of redefining self-worth beyond social roles. Our self-concept is often wrapped up in the context of our relationships with others, making it essential to recognize and value our intrinsic traits. This shift can help us feel more connected and valued in our interactions with others. By acknowledging our unique qualities and interests, we can begin to move toward feeling more connected and valued, both by ourselves and in our interactions with others.
Conclusion
In conclusion, understanding our deepest vulnerabilities is crucial for forming genuine connections. By addressing childhood trauma, rethinking the impact of social media, embracing vulnerability, and building self-acceptance, we can foster more resilient relationships. Healing old wounds and redefining self-worth beyond social roles are essential steps toward a more connected and fulfilling life. Don’t miss our recommended resource, “Getting Past the Past,” linked in our show notes, to further assist your journey of personal growth. Thank you for tuning in, and we hope you find this episode as enlightening as we did in creating it.
Read the full transcript
Laura 00:00
Hello and welcome to Why Am I Like this? The podcast for those who didn’t get enough hugs as a child? I’m Laura Wood and I’m a trauma therapist.
Michaela 00:10
Hi and I’m Michaela Beaver. I’m a psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Laura 00:15
So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast? I’m so glad you asked.
Michaela 00:21
So we want to help you understand yourself a bit better, how the things you learned about yourself and the world in childhood are still affecting you today. We want to figure out why are we like this those random things about ourselves that we might wonder about. Why am I so jumpy? Why am I so anxious? Why do I take everything personally? Why are my thoughts so negative? Why do I feel like I have to fix everything?
Laura 00:47
all the time. Yes, and we are talking about feeling isolated today. So we are going to try to answer the following questions what type of ways do we act when we are in this situation? What could be the cause for feeling like you’re an outsider, and how can we move towards feeling more connection with others? So with that, let’s get into it. So what do you feel like? Being isolated? How would you describe feeling isolated?
Michaela 01:19
Hmm, I guess I would think that I just don’t feel connection with people. I feel like it’d be, um, I could be in a room full of people and yet I just feel like I don’t fit in. I feel like, you know, I just don’t have that connection to people.
Laura 01:45
I just don’t have that connection to people. Would it include like the feeling of you know, everybody is sort of judging me or everybody’s like looking at me or I’m sort of the subject of jokes or ridicule or something like that. Or would it be more like I’m completely invisible and nobody knows I’m here?
Michaela 02:02
I think maybe it could be a little bit of both, but I’m thinking more like I’m invisible and or like I’m just not like these people.
Laura 02:14
Yeah, like everybody else, got this memo that I didn’t get.
Michaela 02:18
Yeah, or everybody seems to just be really enjoying themselves and they, they’re talking to each other and connecting, and I just don’t feel like I have, I’m missing something. I’m missing that connection with, with the people, even though I’m, you know, I’m not alone, and they, they say they like me, they say that you know I get positive affirmations from people but I just don’t feel like it’s genuine or true or real, like I don’t deserve to be liked or to be happy, even.
Laura 02:51
Yeah, like it’s not quite real, like everybody else is sort of part of this universe that I don’t get to be part of. I don’t get to be happy and have fun and have something positive to share and everybody else is just bebopping around town, you know, having the time of their life, and I’m just feeling in my head and I’m just feeling like I don’t matter.
Michaela 03:21
Well, and I think that sometimes you know where I see this is a couple of different situations. I think of trauma and I think of I wasn’t allowed to have feelings like feeling. I can’t. I’m just there’s a disconnect in my feelings in general and that’s just one of them. Right, I mean, I feel sad, but I just don’t feel happy and I don’t feel connection and I just I’m not allowed to feel things.
Laura 03:48
It’s so lonely and I also think of that. We’re only measuring ourselves, but in the context of, like our relationship with other people. So oftentimes, when we ask people about their qualities, what do they say? They say that they are kind to others or they’re like helpful, especially little kids. Right, I’m helpful, I am good at following directions. Like I am kind, I am a good friend, I’m a good neighbor, I’m a good kid to my parents, I’m a good kid to my parents. So all of our self-concept is really wrapped up in the context of what are we doing for and how are we adding value to other people’s experience. And when everybody else is doing great, I just don’t have anything of value to add. Like I’m not necessary here. I’m not really, you know, I’m not really part of this, but if somebody has a problem, you know they’re going to come to me first, right?
Michaela 04:55
Almost that people pleaser thing again.
Laura 04:59
Yeah, it’s people pleasing, but then it’s also this sort of dissociative response of like I don’t exist outside of the context of my relationships with other people, or like my value that I contribute to other people Right.
05:12
Right, Instead of saying I’m a good artist, that’s something I do and that’s not for anybody but me really Right, like, I’m a good artist or I’m curious, I am ambitious, I love music, I am interested in the outdoors, I am right. So it’s like these are actual intrinsic traits that, like, are designed for me and me alone. I can also be proud of the fact that I’m a good friend. I can also be excited about being kind and generous, you know, because those aren’t. There’s nothing bad about those traits, but they’re not my only value, they’re not the only thing that gives my life meaning, whereas I think when you grow up in an environment where you are only acknowledged when you are impacting someone else, so however someone else feels is more important than how you feel, and your essential, innate humanness is not being considered, it’s not being seen, you’re not being acknowledged as a separate human being, besides the way that you’re impacting the other person mostly your parents.
Michaela 06:28
Yeah. Or your siblings, like oh, I love to see it when you’re so nice to your brother, like, oh, you’re such a good helper, I love that you’re helping me.
Laura 06:39
Right, Right, and those are good things. But we’re also need to say things like you know, Right, and those are good things. But we’re also need to say things like you know, what did you like about that movie, or what makes that game your favorite, or you know how did you sort of praising their goodness, which means, effectively, that they’re not, they’re not bothering you Like yeah.
Michaela 07:14
Or you’re, or you’re only a good human being. You’re only good if you do good things like that. It’s not like oh, I’m bad if I’m not doing those things, Like, oh, I’m bad if I’m not doing those things.
Laura 07:26
Yeah, and one thing that comes along with this sort of feeling of being isolated or left out or feeling like an outsider is feeling like a burden, I think sometimes we can feel like we have to be quiet and we have to like shrink back so that we don’t bother anyone.
Michaela 07:49
Yeah, and, and busy kids are intrusive and it can be a lot, I mean, and it’s hard to try to navigate like your own needs, in the context of also helping not to damage their self-esteem and make them feel bad for being curious and asking tons of questions and touching everything and wanting to understand the world around them, because that’s what their brain is trying to do.
Laura 08:18
Well, totally. And I think we need balance, boundaries with positive exploration and unattended play, so kids can play unattended. Or play unimpeded, un-intruded on by the parents. Like if, if, when a kid is playing, we’re constantly watching them, like, oh, don’t do that, oh, don’t do that, and we’re constantly trying to control their play, then they’re going to retreat inward and they’re just going to like, be afraid to do anything, they’re going to be afraid to reach out at all. And that’s what I think of.
08:53
If I think of somebody who is like at a party and this crowd of people, but they’re alone in the corner, kind of not getting in the way, not bothering anybody, maybe thinking people don’t recognize them or they wouldn’t remember them or they wouldn’t want them to say hi to them. If they did go and say hi, like, oh, that person doesn’t care about me, like they don’t want me to say hi. You know, I can relate to that feeling. Like I might see somebody that I know from like a long time ago and just like I might think to myself, oh, they won’t remember me, like I’m not going to say anything you know what I mean Like I’m not going to bother them by going over and be like hey, do you remember me, cause that’s just you know, going to be awkward, or something Like. So I tend to get introverted in situations like that, and so I can kind of relate to that like feeling of of not wanting to approach.
Michaela 09:43
Sure, yeah, definitely, you can see that being a thing. I know I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum. I remember in college it was our first day and trying to like I’m like, okay, I need to make my Insta best friend so that I can survive, right, I’m like I need people, otherwise I’m not going to survive grad school. And in that one of the girls like says she approached me and I like ignored her. But I know, I, I do not recall that whatsoever, I would never do that to somebody intentionally. And so then that created her probably feeling that way, right, and that wasn’t my intention, but that was her. That was her experience of what happened. I was probably super anxious trying to just like make connections and feel it out so that I could. You know, cause my, my, my, I’m like I cannot succeed on my own. I need people. So, of course, why would I ignore somebody? Like I would want all the people, but you know that could create that feeling of being an outsider.
Laura 10:51
Yeah, totally. And you know, on the flip side it’s funny because you’re saying, oh, I was so anxious Like I might not have even noticed that she reached out to me or whatever. Like you’re in your own head thinking, which is funny because all you really want is to make a friend and you’re stuck in your own head so much that you don’t even notice when somebody does reach out to you, out to you. Like a similar thing happened to me when, like this was probably 15 or 20 years ago I can’t remember exactly but somebody that I have known for a long time, the first time that we ever met, they said the same thing to me. They said, oh, I came and I said hi to you or whatever, and you just like ignored me. And I was like that’s a weird thing, why would I do that? And I think what was happening at the time is I used to feel really like a burden.
11:42
I would be. I was that person who I just like I didn’t want. I just was kept my head down, just get my work done. You know I used to have like three jobs. I would just like get it done, do the thing go home, you know, and kind of have this perception that nobody, I didn’t really have anything to offer. I didn’t really have anything of value. So it was like nobody needs to like get to know me. I can just be kind of by myself and just do my own thing and take care of what I need to, and then just go home and whatever.
12:13
And I think that I think about that as like a defense. So, on the one hand, you might be so anxious that and nervous that you might not meet the right person or that people might not like you. On the other hand, you might feel like, oh, nobody cares about you, you don’t have anything to offer anyway. So just like, ignore everybody and kind of whatever Right. So like, either way, you’re sort of stuck in your own feelings and none of it is actually happening in the world, it’s just happening inside of you. Yeah, absolutely so I think of that as sort of a defense. One of them is an attachment cry and one of them is a defense against attachment cry, that I need somebody versus I don’t need anybody and just interacting with people is just going to make my life worse, or interacting with people is the only way that I’m going to survive. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Michaela 13:08
Well, another thing that kind of comes up for me when I’m thinking about this whole conversation is talking about, like, the social media aspects of things, right.
13:20
So we are constantly seeking connection. It’s our biological nature to want to be part of a group. I know we’ve talked about that, you know societal need for connection so that we don’t become an outsider, we don’t get thrown out, right. And so, in that, we, you know, have all these social media platforms and that is a form of where we’re trying to seek out connection. We have, you know, you look at all, oh, I have a thousand friends. Oh, I want to, I want to go viral, right. But when we’re looking at and we’re watching all those things, we’re going to social media to get connection and we’re seeking oxytocin, that love you think of that for like love, right, but it’s really also in that connection and need for connection, and so we’re, we just keep scrolling and scrolling, or seeking and seeking, because we never actually meet what we’re trying to achieve in that way, because we really need that face-to-face connection to feel better.
Laura 14:25
Yeah, in social media world there is pretend personas and there is really more seeking happening than connecting happening and more disconnection happening than connection happening. So the sense of feeling left out is even increased when we look at our social media feed and we see, oh, you know, this person just got engaged, but like I’m not engaged. Or oh, this person just bought their first house Like I don’t have a house yet. Or like, oh, this person has, like, this beautiful family and all these kids and, like you know, I feel alone in my family sometimes. Or I you know. It’s sort of everything that you see is basically people showing their the world what they want the world to see and maybe celebrate moments with each other. But if you’re feeling like an outsider, that can be really upsetting because you might think, oh well, I wasn’t invited to that party, or why are all my friends here and I’m not coming? Or I’m not invited or they didn’t tell me about that.
Michaela 15:35
I’m not coming, or I’m not invited, or they didn’t tell me about that and likes like oh, this person likes everybody else’s stuff, but they never like my stuff. Or you know, oh, I didn’t I didn’t get all these likes on this post. You know, I must.
Laura 15:50
people must not like me, yeah, or nobody’s looking at my stuff or nobody’s sharing it or nobody’s commenting on it. You know, nobody cares about me. Um, when my friends post, get all these likes and attention and whatever, and you know I think what’s interesting, there’s been studies out that actually say that girls, young girls, like middle school girls, using social media, are doing all this activity. They’re having, like they’re doing tons and tons of social media activity but they’re not actually having fun. Like they report, like this is not fun. I don’t like this.
16:29
And collectively, um, if you asked a group of kids, um, like when they survey schools, if they want to ban phones in schools, what happens is they survey the kids and if it’s like, would you lose your phone for the day? Right, like. Or if everybody can’t use phones, overwhelmingly, it’s if everybody. If nobody can have it, then I’m fine, right, right, like it’s I can’t miss out on if everybody else has it, but I don’t have it, but I don’t want my phone as like, if nobody else has their phone and I don’t have my phone, like that’s great. I would love that. The next generation alpha is coming up and we’re trying to figure out how do we keep them safe from these phones. And if you ask Gen Zers like would you have been happier if you didn’t have your phone until you were 16, 17, or if you were not allowed to have your phone in school? And overwhelmingly they say I wish that I didn’t have this, like I would have waited, I wish that it was banned in school for everybody.
Michaela 7:31
So you know it’s a constant comparison again, and then you’re seeking out connection and you are getting oh, they didn’t they, they, they left me on. Read like oh, they saw it, but they haven’t responded. And what does that mean? And it and then just fostering the more superficial connections, right, like is not really true connection with somebody. It’s not a conversation, it doesn’t. It doesn’t make strong bonds where you feel like you can be yourself. You still feel like you have to be this fake version of yourself that you have to put out there in the world, otherwise nobody’s going to like me. Because who could like the real version of me? I’m weird, I’m goofy, I’m funny. And why would I? Why could I? How could I be like that to other people? Because I’m not having that face-to-face connection where you can see their actual response to the joke that you made. Right, you can know that they actually understood it because you’re face to face.
Laura 18:36
Well, yeah, and if you do something silly or stupid, it’s not like enshrined forever, it’s just an interaction. It’s a moment that you can learn from. Like, if I say something that is like somewhat offensive to somebody right, which people can do all the time I can accidentally say something that hurts someone’s feelings or that’s insensitive to someone else or whatever. And if I do that in real life and that person is like Whoa, you went too far, like, that joke’s not funny, then that’s a very different thing than if I say something and then now all of a sudden it’s plastered on social media and somebody’s sharing it and screenshotting it and it goes around and now I’m just this like horrible monster.
19:19
Um, like, I think when we learn how to communicate online, the stakes are really high, whereas in-person interactions feel it’s funny, because I think we think that stakes are high, but they’re not. They’re really low. Low stakes interactions are the ones that we learn from. Low stakes interactions are the ones that we have every day with other people, when we’re interacting with them, like you know, over lunch, or you know, when you go order something and somebody’s in line and they ask you a random question and you interact with that person, like those are low stakes interactions, with perfect strangers even but they help you develop a connection to your sense of yourself and your ability to react and interact in the world interpersonally. Right, and nothing bad happened and nothing bad happened. And if something did happen where somebody’s feelings got hurt, you can repair that in real time. Like those repairs matter in friendship, like it turns out that one bad conversation or one set of hurt feelings doesn’t ruin a relationship. Yeah.
Michaela 20:30
And I think that’s hard that have learned that in order to protect myself, because I’m I’m struggling to stop you from crossing boundaries, it’s too uncomfortable for me to set that boundary and maintain it and therefore I must cut you off completely because I can’t be friends with you, because it’s just too uncomfortable, because I don’t know how to do this interaction and, and you know, set my boundary and be firm and kind without, you know, having to feel uncomfortable.
Laura 21:07
When you set a boundary and someone respects that boundary, it’s actually really empowering and it’s helpful and it makes you feel even more connected, right? Because if someone said to me like, oh, that joke went too far, like that’s not funny, that really hurt my feelings, I would then be able to say, oh my gosh, that’s my bad. Like I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I’m so sorry, that was completely insensitive of me and you know I won’t make jokes about that in the future. And then that person can be like oh well, you respect me, that’s quite nice. Like I set a boundary and nothing bad happened, right? So that interaction is is reinforcing of, like a sense of powerful self and importance and and efficacy and validity that we really need. We need to know that we are able to have those types of things in relationships.
Michaela 21:58
Sure, what about, like vulnerability? Right, we need to be vulnerable to show who we truly are, and so you know, do you think that that plays a role in feeling like an outsider Like I? That that plays a role in feeling like an outsider, like I don’t feel like I can be vulnerable? Therefore, that’s part of what causes me to not feel connection?
Laura 22:23
Yeah, I think we’re protecting ourselves by avoiding it’s. That defense mechanism, you know, like this belief that like I’m just different than everyone else, helps me feel like it’s I’m in more control and helps me avoid potential pain or rejection. If I’m afraid of rejection or abandonment, or if I’ve experienced rejection or abandonment in my childhood or in my past, then I might be very, very sensitive to other people’s opinions and other people’s perspectives and they might, if they disagree with me or if they don’t invite me to something that can make me feel really alone and isolated and abandoned. And that pain is just too much. It’s too big of a pain because it’s pain from the past, it’s not really pain about the present. If I have that kind of history, then it might be really hard for me to put myself out there and be vulnerable because I don’t believe that I can tolerate the pain again. I’m really focusing on the past. It’s familiar, right, but it’s not what’s happening in the present.
Michaela 23:29
You mean I don’t have to get invited to everything. If I’m not invited to stuff, that doesn’t mean that I can’t be friends with that person. Yes, that’s correct, that’s novel.
Laura 23:41
That’s exactly right. And if you don’t invite every single person, that doesn’t make you a bad friend or a bad person.
Michaela 23:50
Yeah, I mean, I think that there are things that play a role in it, right? How much money do I have to spend? How much space do I have? You know, there’s factors. Are these two people are going to get along? This is part of this friend group and that’s part of that friend group, right, like there’s?
Laura 24:09
a lot of other sexes, you know, and that might be awkward. Yeah, all of those factors matter when we’re thinking about what to do and, as an adult, the good news is you can choose and you can have different events with different people and you can expect that those people feel, or at least respond, like adults and they can either share with you you know like it really hurt my feelings that I wasn’t invited to that or they can be excited for you and whatever you’re doing and then spend time with you on a different day.
Michaela 24:44
Right, or even just be like hey, that sounds like a lot of fun. Can we go do that sometime? Yeah, I would love to go that, you know, I, I, I want to go do hot yoga. I want to come with me Like oh, you went to hot yoga Cool, let’s do it together.
Laura 25:00
Yeah, I love that and I think you know, when we think about the vulnerability aspect of missing out or feeling miss, like you’re left out, or feeling like you didn’t get invited, like that does hurt, but it’s not reasonable to expect in any relationship that you’ll never get hurt and that you’ll never hurt together.
Michaela 25:20
Right and it’s hard to know this, but it’s something that you can learn is that you can be okay even when you do get hurt or you hurt somebody else, like unintentionally, or whatever. You can be okay and it can’s. And it can be okay and it can get worked out, and that doesn’t mean that the relationship is bad or that person is bad.
Laura 25:48
Yeah, I think that’s a really good start towards feeling more connected with other people is recognizing that this pain that I’m feeling doesn’t mean the relationship is over. This pain that I’m feeling doesn’t make the other person a horrible person. It doesn’t make me like I didn’t do anything wrong. To have to feel this pain, like sometimes pains are just pains. That’s part of life and that’s okay. We have to go through hard things, we have to learn how to tolerate hard things and I think most importantly is that if we want to feel connected with other people, we have to be connected with ourselves, and I know I say this all the time I’m going to say it again, but.
26:27
I’m going to say it again the antidote to that distress is that connection with yourself. If you feel like you’re a worthy, valuable person and you’re caring for yourself, you’re showing yourself respect, you’re showing yourself dignity and compassion and you are, you know, believing that you are worthy of connection, then you’re going to have a much easier time allowing connection because you know that, even if it doesn’t work out with that person, that’s not the end of the world and it’s not the only possible person for this connection to happen with.
Michaela 27:06
That’s so important I think that that is the root of a lot of the healing. I mean, I just had that conversation with a client the other day about something totally different and ultimately, the first step is if you don’t believe that you’re worthy of love, if you don’t love yourself, then you are going to constantly fear rejection because you aren’t really confident in yourself.
Laura 27:35
And because you’re constantly rejecting yourself. So when we banish and reject those parts of ourselves that we don’t like, or those parts of ourselves that are causing us pain, or those parts of ourselves that we blame for our aloneness, if we’re constantly banishing and talking to ourselves in a really hurtful way, we’re rejecting ourselves, we’re hurting ourselves and we’re perpetuating that pain. So we can’t tolerate that pain from other people because we’re just constantly in it with ourselves. Right?
Michaela 28:08
And that kind of comes back to the interactions that both we kind of had, those shared experiences of our friends misinterpreting what was going on for us, of our friends misinterpreting our our what was going on for us. And so you’re going to be more likely to misinterpret what the person is, the person you’re trying to connect with, is experiencing, because you’re reflecting your own insecurities on that person and putting making them be believing that they believe the same thing about you as well. Right, and so that’s a that’s a possible, you know, mind reading situation. Where we’re, we’re in, we’re miss attuning to the situation.
Laura 28:47
Yeah for sure. Like I think about when I feel like I can’t do anything alone and I am super dependent, that can push people away, and then when I think, well, nobody cares about me, I don’t matter, like I don’t matter to those people, that pushes people away. So both ways we’re not getting what we need or want, which is that we want people to see us for however we are and for who we really are, and see past those fears and flaws and pain and actually just be excited to see us. I think that’s what everybody wants.
Michaela 29:26
I do too. That sounds like what I want.
Laura 29:31
Yeah, and so I think we’ve got to connect with ourselves first, acknowledge that we’re not perfect people, but we don’t have to be. We deserve love and connection and once we get past that pain we can feel more confident and more capable of letting people in and more willing to take that risk that we have to take in order to get that reward of those good relationships.
Michaela 30:03
Yes, yeah, I think that that’s good advice. And then I think too, like you know, if, if what is going on for us is a reenactment of our past in some kind of way and maybe we don’t really fully see, like we’re not really aware of that, or maybe we are, and so we can do therapy like EMDR to help ourselves recognize where, what, the real root of, of what is causing how we’re feeling today.
Laura 30:36
Mm-hmm. Yeah, that’s a great. That’s a great point. And I think you know the one of the great books that was written by the creator of EMDR therapy is called getting past your past, which is literally to say that when the past is present, you know all of those feelings that you have of fear and abandonment and rejection and everything else that’s going on with you, and anxiety, and all of that stuff it’s amplified, it’s dialed up by 10 because it’s really reacting to something old. It’s old stuff that it’s reacting to. It’s not stuff in the present. And if you can get past that past and get into the present, then you can realize like, oh, I can tolerate the fact that I didn’t get invited to that birthday party and I can still send like a nice birthday wish and see if they want to have lunch with me.
Michaela 31:27
Yeah, One of the things that blew my mind in that, in like reading that book, was literally that this, the stuff doesn’t have to be big, major trauma. And I think that a lot, a lot of people are like, well, I don’t really have trauma, Like I had a good childhood, I had all you know, whatever, but even even just a thunderstorm where you cried out for help and nobody helped you can be a trigger point for some of your abandonment stuff. Like something so little, like I think that was one of the examples in the book, right Like something so little could, or seemingly so little to us as an adult you know, but it’s really not about our adult belief system.
32:09
It’s really about how we interpreted that as a child, which is so different.
Laura 32:14
Right. Our perspective at the time is the perspective that’s still making us feel afraid, not our perspective today as an adult, when we look back. And so we have to reconcile those perspectives by accepting the old one and not banishing it. We have to accept it and say, like, that makes sense, I’m attuning to myself, I’m not rejecting myself, and that’s really that connection, that first connection with with itself, is the first step in healing, which is so cool, I know, and I think that’s a great place to end today.
32:44
I think that I will list a link to the book Getting Past the Past in the show notes and that way anybody else who wants to read it can go and find it. Yeah, that’s a great idea, awesome. So thank you for listening to. Why Am I Like this? If you like our show, please leave us a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform, follow the show and share it with your friends. This episode was written and produced by me, laura Wood and Michelle LeBeaver. Our theme song is Making Ends Leap by Thick as Thieves, and a special thanks to Venerary Counseling and Coaching and Active Healing Psychiatric Services for sponsoring this show.
